MELANIA - the movie

Melania is coming out in two weeks, and the advance reviews are in:

"Vacuous" – Variety

"A new atrocity from Slovenia" - NY Times

"Melania fogs up the screen" - Gene Siskel

"The most important film of my lifetimes" - George Santos

"A portal to Hell" – Metacritic

"Stop calling me" - Justin Trudeau

"Eww!" - Barron Trump

“The worst 104 minutes of my life” – Anne Frank

“Sorry, I had to sign an NDA” – Usha Vance

“Extraordinary, my ass” – Albert Einstein

"Person. Woman. Camera. Hair." - Donald Trump

"Great Holiday Fun For the Whole Family" – Guns & Ammo

“Now that’s a savory Štruklji” – The Ljubljana Bugle

“You’d think, for 40 million, she’d open her eyes at least once” – The Onion

“No comment” – Hank Siemers

“It’s really hard to cross over from porn to mainstream films” – Stormy Daniels

“Spoiler alert! It sucked” – Quentin Tarantino

“I envy Charlie Kirk. I had to watch that” – Candace Owens

“Of all the First Ladies, Melania is the latest” – Tucson Sentinel

“Congress should pass a law that Melania is shown on every flight until the Rapture” – Mike Johnson

“¿Qué demonios fue eso?” – Bad Bunny

“Five minutes in, I prayed for a pulmonary embolism to take me to Jesus” – Bill Maher

“No film has ever moved me to hate a human being. Melania is that kind of film” – Mother Theresa

“That should drive some immigrants out” – Heritage Foundation

“I started the fire - in a crowded movie theater” – Billy Joel

“One of a kind. Hopefully” – London Philharmonic Orchestra

“Melania will go down in history” – Steve Bannon

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t stay awake” – Joe Biden

“She’s not my cup of tea, but she does have great gams” – Peter O’Toole

“No mas” – Roberto Duran

“That was pure cruelty” – Stephen Miller

“I literally left the theater, walked to my car, and ran over myself” – Bono

“There’s literally a floating island of garbage in theaters now. It’s called Melania” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“I think if they ever remake Melania, it should be live-action” – Shrek

“Driving schools should use Melania to scare young drivers instead of car crash footage” – Gavin Newsom

"It was so bad I threw myself out a window" - Putin

“I wish I'd spent an hour and a half watching melanoma instead” – Neil DeGrasse Tyson

“That set civil rights back decades” – JK Rowling

“Melania is the best movie I saw in the last 2 hours” – Elon Musk

“And I’m on trial. Whatever” – Luigi Mangione

“Art is subjective. Melania could be art. I dunno” – Bill Cowher

“What was the point of that?” – Joy Reid

“I thought it was going to be a Muppet movie” – Lebron James

“One of the most-anticipated games of the year” – PC Gamer

“I'll be honest. I covered my eyes for most of it” – Jason Voorhees

“Join the MAGAstapo” – Spotify

“Melania is a cure for everything that ails you” – RFK, Jr

“Thank God they cut the bedroom scenes” – Mr. Skin

“Thank you for looking at me” – Mike Lindell

“Uhm… No more questions” – Karoline Leavitt

“You thought missile strikes were bad?” – Mark Kelly