HOW TO LIVE LONG AND PROSPER

So many people approach me and ask, ‘How do I stay so young-looking?’ Well, I’ll tell you. I ascribe my handsome visage and fit silhouette to a combination of healthy diet, good hygiene, and strenuous exercise (and denial). I’m going to give you some tips that will help you recover some of the vigor of youth. I’ll even throw in some lifestyle advice. This is what works for me. I can’t guarantee the same results for you, however. I can’t work miracles, Otis. Sorry.

If you follow even a few of these simple steps, you will possibly gain (or lose) either days, pounds, friends, lovers, or jobs.

---

• Exercise

  o   Daily

  • Cracking of the knuckles

  • Dance like an extra in Beach Blanket Bingo for 15 minutes

  • Wind sprints from one side of Route 91 to the other (10 sets)

  • Climb into, and back out of, a tire swing (10 sets)

  • Get in 30 minutes on the good old belt massager

  • Squats, squats, squats! (As many as you can do)

  • Finish the day with couch suppressions

  • Weekly

    • Sauna Yoga followed by high-pressure colonic

    • Complete the parkour course at Agawam Senior Center

  • Monthly

    • Dig a deep hole in a forest miles away and bury something

    • Escape from an angry wet willy victim

  • Annually

    • Walk a marathon¹

• Hygiene

  • Daily

    • Shower with icy cold salt water or, alternatively, wade into the ocean until submerged

    • Teeth massage (45 minutes)

    • All natural deodorant²

    • Coca Cola flavored mouthwash

    • Anti-fungal feet treatment

  • Weekly

    • Online Guided Meditation with Chef Guy Fieri³

    • Lava Soap exfoliating mask

  • Monthly

    • Expression of anal glands

    • Ear hair trim

  • Annually

    • Molt

• Diet

  • Daily

    • A blended supplement smoothie I developed myself containing nettle oil, crushed bugles, ginseng, walrus liver extract, mashed acorns, Ovaltine, narwhal growth hormone, Vitamins F and U, and a special ingredient⁴

    • 1 piece of a vegetable

    • One 6 oz. Lamb Meatball (air-fried) for breakfast

    • Intermittent fasting between breakfast, lunch, dinner, and midnight snack

    • Amazon organic meals delivered piping-hot daily via drone whenever I activate the button on my upper right thigh

    • Absolutely no desserts except for pies, cakes, brownies, cookies, ice cream, or pudding

  • Weekly

    • Big Gulp-sized Metamucil⁵

    • Large movie popcorn with butter-like gravy

  • Monthly

    • Whatever bird died after crashing into the bay window⁶

  • Annually

    • Compete in garlic bread eating contest⁷

• Lifestyle

  • Go entirely wireless, ahttp://dragons.Livend bury and/or hide all cords, wires, straps, ropes, strings, and cables. You WILL repeatedly trip over them. It’s only a matter of time before they kill you.

  • Give up on striving for success. It’s tiring, stressful, and ultimately futile. If you settle for mediocrity, you’ll ultimately become more successful than half the people in the world. That’s pretty good.

  • Find a hobby that people don’t consider ‘creepy’ or ‘criminal’ or ‘offensive’.⁸

  • Avoid lightning, cliffs, whirlpools, quicksand, online scams, and Komodo dragons.

  • Live, laugh, eat, pray, love, and loaf.

  • Assume that everyone you meet thinks you’re hot.

  • Limit your consumption of reality television to zero minutes per day.

  • Make sure your pets have fashionable outer wear

  • Never get caught⁹ 

---

¹ A hundred yards or so every day

² Kevin Spacey’s brand Keyser Soze – When the odor is coming from whom you least expect

³ Mind hygiene

⁴ My own sweat

⁵ Allow for aftermath.

⁶ Plucked and baked

⁷ Personal best is 17 in an hour

⁸ Stay away from clowning, criming, and harassment.

⁹ Scout your route to avoid cameras at all costs.

Leave your cell phone at home.

Work alone. Accomplices are loose ends.

Don’t leave any DNA at the scene. They can identify people by fart these days

Don’t leave a signature token or take a trophy. It’s showboating, and it will ultimate be your downfall.